Dear Fanfiction Writers Sincerely, Characters of Sherlock
by The Mad Writer of Brooklyn
Summary: Tired of the odd and sometimes terrifying stories we fanficiton writers write about them, the characters of BBC's Sherlock decide to write the Fanfiction community letters complaining of their various storylines. And remember, every time you R&R a Unicorn puppy is born
1. Sherlock Holmes

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

For the sake of deduction and higher reasoning! I am not in love with John, Molly, Anderson, Donovan, Lestrade, Mycroft, Moriarty or Sebastian Moran, nor have I ever had sexual feelings towards any of them. I admit that for a moment I was attracted to Irene Adler, but it was only a _moment!_ Afterwards I realized that there is only one thing that matters above all, and that is the case-everything else would slow me down!

Also, no my father was not abusive towards me, and I am perfectly happy in the way I _am. _I do not need a supposed OC to help me realize the errors of my ways and make me _better!_

It is my opinion that all of you out there need to get better.

I also don't have a particular love for cream puffs or strawberry ice-cream.

But I'm telling this to a community of people who have a seventy-three chapter story of me and Moriarty magically turned into toddlers.

Signed, Sherlock Holmes.

PS: Seriously, _Mycroft?! _Even if I was interested in a relationship, WHICH I AM NOT! I would certainly have higher standards than _Mycroft._


	2. Doctor John Watson

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Despite how ardently you all seem to desire this, Sherlock and I are not, nor ever will be an 'item.' I am a heterosexual male, and I have always been one, and I have also had enough experience that I know my sexual preferences.

That being said, and with no offence, why on Earth would anyone want a commited _sexual_ relationship with Sherlock. Everything slows him down, even showering. If a case drags he forsakes everything else, did you honestly think he wouldn't forsake personal hygiene? He smells…often.

Additionally, I am not sexually attracted to Moriarty either. The bloke is a madman! And the idea of him raping me does not make me hard.

I can't believe I had to say that, I just gagged.

Finally, I don't really have a particular favoritism for berry flavored jam…or the sort of lubrication jelly that might entail.

Sincerely, John H. Watson.

PS: The reason my relationships do not work are not because I had a negligent mother! Sherlock seems to enjoy disrupting my dates. But that is not because he secretly wants to date me.

PPS: No, I am not a serial killer.


	3. James (Jim) Moriarty

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

First, I would like to congratulate you all on writing all the Johnlock fics _so_ well! They're simply delicious.

However, I'll remind you that, while I do respect both of them for their supreme intellect and specialness, I am not in a sexually promiscuous relationship with either Sebastian Moran or Sherlock Holmes.

And I am certainly not in love with Molly-trust me- or Sherlock's little pet.

Although some of your ideas on kidnapping and torturing him were simply beautiful, I'll probably try and carry out some scenarios of my favorites when I come out of hiding.

Also, I would really appreciate it if you stop claiming that I have insecurities about my height-I don't-or about my abusive parents-seeing as how my parents were in fact very rich and very attentive to me in my primitive years.

And for all of those who are wondering: No, I am not interested in a Mary Sue OC as my love interest-How _boring!_

Mycroft on the other hand, considering the time we spent and the fact that he is neither my friend nor my enemy, is not _too_ bad of choice, if only he'd lose a few pounds.

With Love, James Moriarty.

PS: Need someone murdered or a high security building broken into? Call 44 077 3265

PPS: Dreadful sorry about that, but do you know the price of advertising these days?! Preposterous!


	4. Mrs Hudson

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

While I am not one who is prone to anger, I have some things that I dislike about these Fanfiction things you write.

First of all, I am not in love with Sherlock or John or DI Lestrade, goodness me! Those boys are like sons to me. And on that note I rather think it strange that you believe the reason for my affection for the boys is that I am haunted by my childlessness. I am not sterile nor did my husband not want children. _I _didn't want the hassle of raising wee terrors, children are after all dreadful things, are they not?

Also, Sherlock was just being silly when he said I wanted my husband put away. Could I, a sweet old lady, _really_ be such a cold hearted succubus? I rather think not, after all, Mr. Hudson was always good to me, especially compared to other husbands, oh yes.

Finally, I think you should stop writing those Johnlock fics. They are really nice and _very_ romantic, truth be told. Only, I feel that the boys are confused about their feelings enough without all these stories causing more! If they are meant to be, which between you and I is very likely, I think we should just back off and let it happen, especially if it will prevent that dreadful woman Irene to come back. Poor Molly though.

Yours Faithfully, Mrs. Hudson.

PS: I'm so glad all of you recognize what a genius I am in the kitchen, even if everyone else doesn't.


	5. Doctor Molly Hooper

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

While I am flattered at your empathy, I really do wish you would stop the Sherlolly, Mollstrade and Molliarty fanfics.

Firstly, despite my actions recently, I have begun to realize that a relationship with Sherlock is totally out of the question. He just is not available to me because everything _slows him down_ and that nonsense. He just isn't into me, and based on the colossal number of Johnlock fics I'm guessing most of you agree with me? And Molliarty is even worse! I mean, come on, I had one date with Moriarty and I didn't even know what he was, if I had, I wouldn't dated him, so obviously I am not going to date him _now._ As for Lestrade, well, he never has asked me out or indicated that he has those sort of feelings for me, but hey, I would date him.

I will not, however, address the Myclly or the Jolly fics, good god! I guess John is nice enough but there's a reason why all of his girlfriends keep breaking up with him. And Mycroft is…well Mycroft.

Oh, it looks like I managed to address them after all, points for me!

Also, if Sherlock were a vampire, (did I just say that?), I would not under any circumstance let him drink from my blood. I'm a doctor, I know how dangerous that is. You know what I am not? Bella Swan, that uppity twit who would do anything for some guy's love. Come on, _I_ actually have standards.

Yours Truly, Molly Hooper.

PS: Cream puff?


	6. Irene Adler

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Okay, so you all either hate me or love me, whatever! But no matter what any of you say, I am in fact the first and only person to every attract Sherlock Holmes, so eat dirt. And stop referring to me as the "bitch who kept Sherlock from John for so long." But then again, at least you acknowledge me unlike many writers who ignore my existence!

And I don't even understand why you idiots think that just because I am a dominatrix means my father was abusive towards me. Is that the staple of every character with even the slightest bit of personality? My papa was a wonderful man.

I mean, if you looked like me and had a powerful sex drive, wouldn't you use it to make a job out of it? I've everything: adventure, sex, money, clothes and the world's only consulting detective is in love with me! How could I be miserable?

However, I do love some of the more steamy fics, they've given me plenty of very…creative ideas, to say the least.

Irene Adler.

PS: Yes, I totally would be down to a threesome with Moriarty and Sherlock. Wouldn't that be delicious?!


	7. DI Greg Lestrade

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I know it's hard to resist looks like mine when you think about me, but seriously, you might want to tone down on the fics. I'm flattered and all but I just don't bend that way. Sherlock? John? Anderson?! No way.

It's not that I'm against that sort of thing, to each their own is what I say! But some fics are terrifyingly graphic. Especially those Sherlock/Lestrade/John threesome things. I've had nightmares ever since that idiot Anderson sent me _that_ email. Shudders.

As for Hooper and Donovan, I work with both women and would not compromise our respective professional relationships (but if we were to speak hypothetically, then: Hooper yes, Donovan no.)

And to address the pink elephant in the room, Mystrade _will die unfulfilled!_ I mean all the fics are just so weird. What is wrong with you people?!

Additionally, there was a Mrs. Lestrade and she was a cheating, lying she-demon of a woman. She did not die of some terrible disease or a car accident and I do not have three sons I am sorrowfully mothering. I am NOT Jude Law.

Points if you got that reference.

Also, why is it you seem convinced I am not in touch with my emotions and I need some chick to pull them out of me. Gah, I can be emotional if I choose.

Yours Truly, Greg Lestrade.


	8. (Sylvia) Anderson

Fanfiction Writers,

How dare you say I'm secretly in love with Sherlock?!

The man is a caddy, full of himself, jerk-off who is all illusion and no actual smarts. Just because he can tell where you've been from a ketchup stain on your cardigan does not make him the smartest man alive.

You too can achieve this with the right ecstasy and cocaine cocktail. Crucify me if you like, I care not! So bloody stop it!

As for Donovan, well, I am a married man. That little fling that Sherlock so conveniently mentioned was a onetime thing that we both deeply regretted. We are not _in love_ and we certainly have not been having an affair that has been going on for years now and I'm in debt and that's why I need to stay married to my wife. I'm the one with the money, for your information. And we are not getting married! Damnit.

On a final note, if John and Sherlock do get together-which I consider very likely if you ask me-I am not a homophobic asshole. My dislike for Sherlock extends only to the way he acts and not his sexual preferences.

Piss Off! Anderson.


	9. Mycroft Holmes

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Do you know that if you keep pissing me off I can very well have all of you banned from the internet? Don't you laugh, I am the English Government and I _can_ do it. All of you perverted freaks make me cringe, Mylock, really?! Even if he wasn't my brother he is still an annoying idgit who gives me no rest!

And do even get me started on the number of fics with me and Anthea, she is an _employee_, that is all. My romantic prospects are none of your business, I assure you, I am not lacking in that department whatsoever. So I will never be so sexually frustrated as to bed Greg Lestrade or Molly Hooper, gah.

Additionally, is abuse really the staple of an interesting character to you people?! I mean, ukh, I hate having to explain that my parents were loving and caring and not abusive.

Also, I am at an appropriate weight for someone my height, so SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT! I almost hate Sherlock only for starting that ridiculousness. Just because I dislike exercise does not mean I am fat. And just the fact that _you_ sit for hours reading and writing _fanfiction_ says a lot about _you_ don't you think?

Close to removing you all from the internet, Mycroft Holmes.

PS: If I _were_ to go to Hogwarts, I would most _certainly _be a Gryffindor. So stop putting me in Slytherin!

**A/N: Sorry for not updating in forever, I've many chapters for this written only I keep forgetting to get around to actually posting them!**


	10. Sgt Sally Donovan

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

I sigh deeply even as I write this. I can hardly believe it has come to this but you give me no choice. I cannot believe all of you hate me so much when the Freak is obviously so much more hateable. Is that a word? Well, if it is it certainly applies to Sherlock Holmes.

Let's get one thing crystal freaking clear to start with, I am not secretly in love with Sherlock Holmes. But I am even more upset that you people would think I would work with Moriarty!

I am an officer of the **law,** I would never ever help a criminal. And the whole thing about making Sherlock a fugitive, well, it _was_ mostly Anderson's idea, I was just following along because he _was_ spot on about several things. Have you ever seen the freak at work personally, it borders something out of a Sci-fi flick.

On that note, I might as well address the pink Anderson in the room.

Haha, see what I did there?

Seriously though, Anderson and I are not an object. The night we spent together was just that, a night. It's not like we're an item or actually together…so I don't see why you keep writing it like that. Especially as Mrs. Anderson really doesn't appreciate all these graphic fics.

So maybe they aren't a bad thing after all.

Yours, Sgt. S. Donovan.


	11. Kitty Riley

**A/N: Dear Fanfic writers, I know I don't usually post this quickly but today marks the official end to the writing of this fanfiction (don't worry, there are still four chapters to go!) but I figured this is sort of a milestone and I wished to celebrate it by giving you all the most requested chapter to date so you can join in the festivity. Also, I'm hoping to write another fic like this one for another fandom, so please go to my profile and vote on the poll what you'd like to see next! And now, on to the show...**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Humph! Stop Blaming me for Sherlock's fall! Okay? Seriously! Moriarty was at his upmost convincing that he was in fact Richard Brooks, completely with stills of him on kids shows. And come on, Sherlock is a very suspicious sort of guy, I mean, sure there are genius' in the world but the journalist in me makes room for all manner of skepticism.

So stop referring to me as the bitch who ruined everything and BROKE JOHN!

That was Sherlock's doing one hundred percent.

Oh, and about that one where Mycroft acts all dark and creepy, coming on to me like some sort of degenerate and I actually sleep with him? Yeah, that would NEVER happen. Ever. Like seriously, I'm a _journalist_, that means I'm in possession of the highest integrity!

So what if I may have to stoop a bit low to get my end, everyone has had to do so at one point in their lives.

Plus, I wouldn't have boned Sherlock in the bathroom if he had wanted too, he's major handsome and all but I was only pretending to see if he really is the Asexual!lock so many people make him out to be.

Yeah I know the lingo.

Fortunately, you Neanderthals choose to ignore me in favor of writing overly graphic Johnlock fics and other monstrosities, such as the atrocity that goes by DICKWEENIE, instead of paying attention to little old me, so this letter does not need to be very long.

Bye Losers! Kitty Riley.


	12. Anthea

**A/N: Hello again! Just a friendly reminder, if you'd like to see more Dear Fanfic writers from me for fandoms, vote in the poll on my profile page or leave a review request! And now...**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Umm…the only real reason I am writing this is because…well…my boss is forcing me to. He expressed his wishes for me to disclose that I am most certainly without a doubt one hundred percent not boning him.

But we have had a few trysts here and there. Don't tell! But yes, we have. I only tell you because I absolutely love what some of you writers have done with me! All of the ones I have seen are quite flattering and I'm so glad I've made such an impression

Plus, my boss's face every time he sees one of these is priceless, and him yelling that'll he'll ban all of you from the internet. It's too funny.

However, some of the crack!fics where we're all chickens was kind of scary, don't get me wrong, but I did need to pause a few moments…

Nevertheless, carry on! I'm all for Fanfiction and the crazy that ensues.

I may have written a few ahem Johnlock ahem ones recently…

But how can you blame me, they are _so_ perfect for each other, it kills me sometimes, especially how pathetically John keeps fooling himself into bad relationships.

God So many FEELS!

I love you all, Anthea.


	13. Harry Watson

**A/N: Hey all you fanfic Writers, what's up?! School started recently, so how school for all of you school people? Good, Great! Well, here is another installment of DFW, and if you want more, make sure you vote in my poll what you'd like to see or leave a review! Also, Like my page, The Mad Reader, on facebook for spoilers on who's writing you all next. And now...**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Seeing as how I star in like…three fanfics, this is mostly written on behalf of my brother who insists I make a vast proclamation of his heterosexuality and stuff…

Haha, yeah, I like girls enough to know my brother could very easily be swayed either way, extremely easily in fact.

And I greatly applaud all of you for being so accepting of homosexuality, I mean, it seems you guys love gays more than gays love gays!

But in all seriousness, the three fics I star in are called When Harry Met Clara, When Harry Met Mycroft and When Harry Met Molly, respectively! I have nothing against When Harry Met Sally but god, I hate romantic comedies nowadays and this film is what started it all. I blame it for all the hours I have lost sitting in a Cineplex with Clara. And really, you guys can't be a _wee_ bit more creative, just a bit?

Then there's all the ones where I'm a…supporting role, shall I say, and some of your portray me as…a bit slutty. I am NOT! And there are several where I get drunk and make out with Sherlock. Pffft, just no just NO!

That is all, Harry Watson.

PS: You're all weird fucks.


	14. Mary Morstan

**A/N: Helloo! Anyone like Supernatural? Well, that's what my next Dear Fanfic writers is going to be, so make sure you keep your eyes peeled! Also, Like my Facebook Page The Mad Reader for Updates. WEEE!**

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Well, well, well, well, well. I'm not just ignored, I'm nonexistent in many fanfictions. Ah ha, don't pretend you don't know who I am Johnlock writers. Even if you haven't read the original canon, I know you looked up in Wikipedia and know that John marries me, Mary Morstan, after Sherlock 'dies.' Indeed, but no, I am ignored, completely in some places, or conveniently killed off screen for your perverted writing pleasures. And then there's this weird, surrealist one where I'm in a relationship with Irene Adler. I mean being gay is okay but…I don't get…why? It was just so strange…but at least that one acknowledged me, I think.

But there was nothing stranger than the one where John carries my child…eh.

Or the one where I fall in love with Sherlock and marry John just to be close to him. That was mean, I would never hurt someone as such.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: Get a life!

Seriously, geez, you guys spend so much time WRITING about OTPs and OCs, do you have social lives?

But then again I'm sitting here writing you guys about fanfiction…Great, I just became part of the freaking problem. Damnit!

Well, I have to go die in a hole now because well my brain hurts and this is just too weird.

Thoroughly tired of all your shit, Mary Morstan.

PS: I am _so _not naming my child Hamish…ew.


	15. Sebastian (Seb) Moran

Dear Fanfiction Writers,

Wow, I am starring in all these fics and I'm not even in the show yet…points for the Moran-man. Despite my being flattered, there are some serious problems with some of these fanfics.

To start, my eyes figuratively cried tears of blood when I sat through a hundred and three chapter fic where I get pregnant with Moriarty's baby. What? What?! WHAT?! No, no! There is not enough time or paper or ink in the world to tell you how wrong that is.

But that is just the tip of the sodding iceberg when it comes to weird shit in fanfiction.

Sherlock and I aren't in love either, just for your information, he is definitely what you people call Asexual!lock, because trust me, he _is._

But I do have to admit that for all the evils of your little community, I have gotten one or two laughs out of some of the raunchy stuff on here. Especially the fics with the jam flavored lube. I applaud whoever wrote that as the weirdest fuck who ever lived, and coming from me that's saying much.

But Myran will died unfufilled you sick pieces of shit. Even if I have to crawl out of _that_ hole through a lake of shit.

Wow. That sounded _way_ dirtier than I intended it to be.

Utterly disgusted, Sebastian Moran.

PS: Umm, why do you people keep naming the spawn of Sherlock Hamish?

**Dear Fanfic writers,**

**…And we're done! This has been a wonderful endeavor on my part! I thank you, I thank you. Thanks and love to all of you who have followed and favored this story, especially to those who reviewed and let me know my jokes were on par and not all misses. And if you didn't follow or favorite or review, I still love you with all my heart for all the views I got that made me all warm inside. But this is not the end just yet, oh no, so stay tuned for a special bonus chapter next week** **that's sort of an epilogue or whatever. **

**Lots of Love, The Mad Reader.**

**PS: Why ****_does _****everyone name Sherlock's child Hamish?**


End file.
